Saturday, 31 July 2010

Self Storage...........confidence

I was reading a request for volunteers yesterday, to aid a community theatre/installation event and their theme is to be centred round, 'Self Storage'.
As in how much odd stuff must be stored places by us, like the old car that one day will be worth a zillion squid........or the Darleck someone once won in a  competition, but his wife wont let him keep at home?
Storage containers hidden away in anonymous places, with facets of a persons life in them.

It all sounded an interesting concept, but then it occured to me, it related to me too.
Now I have all my personal memories, clutter n craft stuff around me, in 3 bedrooms and 2 ground floor rooms, some is even in the kitchen............
Much awaiting being stored correctly, in clear sight, for when I look up for inspiration in my workroom, once lovely son finishes fitting the shelves for me........(... lol will I still be alive by then though?)

What I have put in storage ...is ... me.
The penny dropped you know? Ive stashed myself away, the woman I was, am - but unable to be now, because I no longer have the confidence.
I dont feel worthy enough to be ...me, anymore.

I've become the age where I am invisible, no one listens with interest when I speak, younger folks no doubt think Im an old fart, what'd she know?
 And Ive succumbed to standing back and down, not bothering to give an opinion because it basically hurts to be ignored or talked down, as if I have no justifyable opinion worth listening to.
Of course no guys whistle as I walk by any more lol.........well, Ive lived well enough without that to be fair for so long, and most blokes my age, probably have false teeth anyway and maybe can't whistle ! Though in truth, I reckon they are too busy looking at younger women anyway.

My kids are too busy, not interested in what I do with my time, they have their own lives - quite rightly. They have never been into spending time with Mum, not since they were bairns.
Thats how I wanted them to be right? Independant?
So having already lost their Dad, they'd get by when Im not around either. Well, Im victim of my success there, they just expect me to get along okay, and after this many years alone, Ive coped, and do.

It wont dawn on them that its my dads birthday tomorrow and that I still miss him - like they get upset on their own Dads birthday or death date.
I have told them of course in the past, but they wont recall the date of their grandfathers birthday or date of his death and why should they? It only really means something to me.

What Ive done, is stash myself away in a form of self storage, within myself, but at what cost?
I keep my own councel, though apologies go to Mary, who I doubtless unload to too often by email.......probably as well we live at each side of the world now  lol  but she couldnt mean more to me than if we were related.

Ive become hermit like. I get in a right tizz with myself if Im asked to go anywhere, imagine I look an overweight mess, feel uncomfortable and out of place, cant settle, need to escape when I feel the panic set in and cannot tolerate looking at myself in a mirror or shop window!
Which is a bugger cos you have to do that each day, just so you know youve no bogeys on the end your nose and your hairs not stood on end before you go out! ..........
I think I must embarass my kids by simply being around them and my daughters boyfriends family, make me feel inferior and of no consequence, yet they are really nice folks and have made me welcome...so no common sense in that idea at all!

Ive stopped doing, trying to be me, Ive simply become their old Mum, his Nannie and money lender, though I dont get it back very often, so good job I dont moneylend for a living!
But me, where am I? Where have I gone?
Im stashed away within me, no locked cage could be more secure.
I perhaps find escape on a beach, places like Spurn Point, and my craft work, it allows me, therapeutically to 'do' something, which maybe expresses a part of me.
But I know its not enough.

This isnt meant to sound as if Im sorry for myself, its of my own doing afterall and Im not really.
I couldnt handle being so hurt again, so have avoided other relationships, concentrated on bringing up my kids............but Ive gotten quite lost along the way and I can see that now.

Funny how you read an article and things fall into place.
I doubt it will change the fact that my confidence is shot to hell, Ive become a loner, living parallel to the world I inhabit, not believing I have a place in it maybe.
I find voice on a webpage that few folks will ever read......there has to be summat Freudian(?) in that too lol

But if I were to give advice to anyone, dont do what Ive done......... get out there and LIVE. Be braver than Ive become, please.

hey ho...........time for tea, redbush this time.......it may refresh my throat, which is really sore and having lost my voice, makes it even more ironic that Ive wittered on here, about all this, like this!
Nowt so queer as folk and Im a prime example ...

4 comments:

  1. Two comments... Firstly, have you ever considered art journalling? It's a way of putting all the boxes that you're hiding in, together, and making art and writing from your experiences. Look at it as a process for putting yourself back together again. If you google art journalling or artists journals, you'll find lots of free resources on the web that will help you. And of course there are lots of books, too.

    The second... if you don't feel you want or need to do that, why not change your focus a little... what do you actually WANT your life to be, and how can you make that happen?

    ps you are you, unique, creative, brave. You don't have to 'try' to be you, you just are... trust me, I'm a quilter...

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  2. Thankyou Marion for your thoughts. I do appreciate them. Ive lusted over others journals, even took part in a couple of journal round robins a while ago......... though two peoples books got so far round, then 'disappeared', that recipient not answering any emails and we assume she kept them. She hadnt died because she was found on another yahoo group! That was very mean wasnt it, so we luckier ones, put together pages for those that had lost out.
    I hadnt thought about journaling in the way your suggesting oddly enough, again funny how your mind trolls along sometimes, adhereing to a pre determined path, isnt it.
    Am going to give this some thought though, thankyou. I LOVE the way your message ended.
    Like 'Trust me, I'm a Doctor'.........but 'trust me, I'm a quilter'' lolol Thank you Marion.

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  3. I know what you mean, I sometimes feel that I have got in the habit of putting MY life on hold while I deal with other things and have slipped into the habit of not living for me. The trouble with us encouragers is we fail to value ourselves and encourage ourselves as we would encourage others!

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